flyleafchick16's profile

"The hardest thing about growing up is that you have to do what is right for you even if that means breaking someone's heart, including your own" (you can choose to blame your circumstances on bad luck or bad luck or bad choices or you can fight back. Things aren't always going to be fair in the real world and that's just the way that it is, but for the most part we get what we give. The rest of you life is being shaped right now with the dreams you chase and the choices you make and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time and the rest of your life starts right now" (now is the time for us to shine, the time when our dreams are in reach and possiblities vast. Now is the time for all of us to be the people we've always dreamed of being. This is you're world, you're here, you matter, the world is waiting) "Make a wish and place it in your heart, anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good, now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is going to come from, the next smile, the next wish come true, but if you believe it's right around the corner and you open your heart and mind to the possiblity of it, to the certainty of it, you might just get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it. Good. Now believe in it, with all your heart" (tragedies happen. I realize now that when your heart breaks you got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive, because you are, and that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion, the fear? That's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better and that something is worth fighting for) "when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home" (life kicks you around sometimes, it scares you and it beats you up but there's a time when you realize you're not just a survivor, you're a fighter.You're tougher than anything life throws your way and you are) "Monsters are real and ghosts are too, they exist inside us and sometimes they win" (Most people run because deep down they want to be chased) "The only people you need in your life are the people who need you" (Everything you're not will make you everything you are) "sometimes you have to be strong for yourself, you have to know that you're a good person and a good friend. what is meant to be will end up good and what is not won't. relationships are worth fighting for but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting at times, people need to fight for you if they don't, you must move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. hopfully people realize great things when they come around and don't lose something real, always fight - until you can't anymore" (Life doesn't hurt until you think about how much things have changed,who you've lost along the way,and how much of it was your fault) "Hell is yourself. Find your redemption." (I'm one who's forced to survive...)

Member since

Feb 4th, 2008

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Last login:

Jan 5th, 2009

About Me

Well, my name is Courtney and I'm 16. I'm a leap year baby, born on February 29. My favorite colors are black and green and my favorite holiday is Halloween. I live in ?Dixon, Missouri and I love the wwe, it's so exciting and wrestling is nonstop action! I'm pretty much in love with JOHN CENA and CM PUNK and I would love to be in that business one day. AJ Styles and Christian Cage are amazing too as far as wrestling goes. I am also pretty much obsessed with the show ONE TREE HILL, it's amazing and it's taught me alot about life. I'm a pisces as far as my horoscope sign is concerned so if you look that up you basically get a description of me. For music:Breaking Benjamin, Skillet, Tokio Hotel, 30 Seconds to Mars, Flyleaf, Paramore, Eminem, Daughtry, Hinder, Evanescence, Linkin Park, Barlow Girl, Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, Fall Out Boy, Blink 182, 3 Days Grace, Crossfade, Red,Trapt, Senses Fail, Bullet For My Valentine, Staind, Story of the Year, Thousand Foot Krutch, My Chemical Romance, All American Rejects, Hawthorne Heights,etc. I love sci-fi movies such as Dead Men Walking, Intermedio, Dawn of the Dead, Arachnid, Resident Evil(all), Doom, Ultraviolet, I am Legend, Disturbia, I robot, House of Wax, The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, Con Air, Rose Red, Armageddon, Volcano, Twister, Halloween unrated, The Cave, The Secret Window, Little Nicky, Big Daddy, Billy Madison, 50 First Dates, Independence Day, Troy, Alexander, Titanic, Pearl Harbor, The Wedding Singer, Duplex, Joe Dirt, What Women Want, Queen of the Damned, Bringing Down the House, The Marine, The Guardian, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Just like Heaven, A Walk to Remember, How to Deal, The Odessy, 8 Mile, The Notebook,etc. I watch the secret life of the american teenager, supernatural, reba, still standing, grounded for life, 8 simple rules, real chance of love, life with derek, I love money, brooke knows best, new york goes to hollywood, gossip girl, house, law and order svu, rock of love charm school, the hills, army wives, etc.I love reading, writing, watching tv,etc. (V.C. Andrews and Dean Koontz are very good authors bookwise, The Twilight books are AMAZING too) I love writing poetry as you can tell and I hope you all read my journal entries as well because I guarentee I can help you. Depression is a really big thing in my life and it takes it's toll on me and my emotions daily but I'll try to be here if you need me. Interesting fact: if I ever do get famous one day and my poems published in an official book, don't think that I'll forget you, every single person on my friend list will be mentioned in the inscription I will write. By the way if I ever do make the book, it'll be called "how to save a life" I think. MySpace URL: http://www.myspace.com/ quizilla16

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Latest Journal Entry

January 4, 2009

I DON'T WANT TO BE ME

Don't fall into the trap of pretending everything's fine when you know it isn't. Just when I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart. I'm hurting people and I don't know how to stop. How can you understand me when I can't understand myself? I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being. Do you ever have those times you cry and you don't know why? Every night before I go to sleep I lie on my bed and stare up at my blank walls. I try to imagine the future, but right now it's as blank as those walls. All I can see is a past that I barely recognize any more. Our generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives. I'm hurting so bad inside I just wish you could see... I'm struggling to be someone that isn't even close to me. In the end, music is your only friend. People always leave, everyone is proving me right on this. You do it to yourself... and that's why it really hurts. I've come to the point where nothing matters anymore the way that isused to, and things I used to care about aren't worth fighting for. Everybody knows that something's wrong but nobody knows what's going on. The question isn't 'who is going to let me'; it's 'who is going to stop me'. Who am I? I am who I say I am and tomorrow someone else entirely. If you don't like the way I am, then don't come around me. If you don't like the way that I talk, then don't listen. If you don't like the way I dress, then don't look. But don't waste my time telling me about it. I don't care. We're all quite mad here. Ha... ha ha ha ha ha! You may have noticed that I'm not all there myself. Sometimes you can cry until there is nothing left wet in you. You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures. You can pray all you want to whatever god you think will listen. And still, it makes no difference. It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you. And you know that if it ever did relent... it would not be because it cared. I can't stop crying... I don't understand, and it's not the loud, screaming crying... it's just the tears continuously roll down my face, and I can't do anything to stop them. You ask why I say nothings wrong when really everything is. You should know what wrong. Your my friends, your making bad decions and its killing me to see you suffer like you are. You just never see how what your doing effects me because you don’t care enough to look and see. You cry yourself to sleep at night I've heard your strangled sobs piercing through the darkness. wishing I could help. You cut your self to take control. I've seen mangled scars running up your arms as plentiful as veins. Wishing I could help You starve your self to grasp what's left I've seen you, thin and not even trying to live. Wishing I could help through all these things I've seen you, wished I could take away the pain. then you took it away your self. I wished I could've helped. You see her sitting there and you think 'shes so sad' but its not that shes sad, shes simply given up on pretending to be happy, shes tired of getting up every morning and putting on her fake smile, telling herself 'today will be better'. She doesnt want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore...she has stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room she calls her life. This is me. Depression is such a strong emotion, its regret, fear, frustration, isolation, and sometimes even a form of protection. Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we all hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth - that when you look closely, people are so strange and complicated that they're actually beautiful. Possibly even me. Do you ever lay in bed at night hoping you wake up in the emergency room and hear the words "shes not going to make it?" All my life I have been put through so much emotional pain and I've let myself just sit and drown in it. It'd be nice to finally be in peace, to not have to feel...or live. I'm not gonna care anymore... If you hurt me, I'm gonna hurt you. That's how it's gonna be from now on...I don't care that I don't care, but I do care maybe a little bit about not caring about not caring - but maybe I do feel sorry for all the nice people whose efforts are wasted on aperson like me.

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